The Borowitz Report

HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION TO CHOOSE NEW IRAQI PRESIDENT

** Awards Ceremony to Replace January Elections **

Borowitz Report
December 15, 2004

http://www.borowitzreport.com/default.asp

With prospects for Iraq’s January 30 elections appearing increasingly dim, the White House announced today that the new president of Iraq would be chosen by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, best known for organizing the star-studded Golden Globe Awards.

Under an unorthodox arrangement, the new Iraqi leader will be announced two weeks earlier than scheduled, on January 16, at the 62nd Annual Golden Globe Awards in Hollywood.

“By allowing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association to choose Iraq’s new leader, we will accomplish the most important thing: sticking to our arbitrary January deadline,” said Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld.

Mr. Rumsfeld added that handing over authority to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was the most practical way to choose a new Iraqi president in a timely fashion, since the security situation in Hollywood is “considerably better” than that in Iraq.

And while the credibility of the Golden Globes has come into question in recent years, Mr. Rumsfeld argued, “You choose a new Iraqi president with the awards ceremony you have, not the awards ceremony you might want.”

The Golden Globes decision could spell trouble for interim Iraqi president Ghazi al-Yawar, who now faces a crowded field of Hollywood favorites including Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Buddy Schlantz, a veteran Hollywood talent agent, said that Mr. al-Yawar must begin aggressively courting the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association if he expects to prevail: “If I were al-Yawar, I’d start ordering the fruit baskets now.”

Elsewhere, Bernard Kerik’s nanny resigned today, saying that she wanted to spend less time with his family.